Update

So we tried invitro and it failed. At the last moment one of my follicles took off and essentially stole all the hormone from the others not allowing them to grow anymore. It was two days away from when I was supposed to have the egg retrieval. The doctor was surprised that I hadnt responded better. He told us he could go in after the one egg and we would run the risk of spending all that money to just get one and maybe have it not work or we could cancel the cycle. I didnt like either one of those options so I pushed to have an intrauterine insemination to at least give the lone egg a shot. We went in the next day and got the procedure done twice to boost the chances of having enough semen up there to make it worth it. Then we started the two week wait which turned out to be the longest two weeks of my life since this has been our best shot at getting pregnant since starting this whole mess. I was on progesterone and prenatals during this time. I watched everything I ate and followed all the rules. Took six pregnancy tests which were all negative and like clock work today fifteen days later aunt flo showed her ugly face. I am way bummed out. Every negative cycle is hard but this one is worse for some reason. I had so much riding on this month I let myself get hopeful again. Its so hard to stay positive when everything I have done has failed up to this point. I feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back constantly. I dont wanna try again. I am sure my feelings about that will change after a while and I will jump back on the rollercoaster but I know I need a break for at least a few months to sort of recharge and heal. I have some other goals that I can achieve if I focus on them so I think I am gonna do that for a few months just to feel accomplished at something since my main focus these last two years has been fruitless. I am sorry to everyone if I am being way negative or if I am distant. Its just hard being surrounded by people who have what I cannot have. Its nothing personal at all but its painful. I am genuinely happy for everyone having children but it just seems impossible for me and that makes me sad. I know its selfish but its the only way I can try and protect myself from some of the pain is to be distant. I appreciate the continued love prayers support and understanding from everyone. Its really meant a lot to me to have good friends and family pushing for me. Its what gets me through these hard times so thank you. Since this blog is about our journey to become parents it will probably not be updated for a few months cause we wont be doing anything related to this. The plan for now is to take at least three months to heal so I may start back up with invitro in Feb or March. Be back then. Hugs to everyone!

Eggs are growing!

Got checked on tuesday. Have six follicles on one side and 7 on the other. They are growing but slowly. Am increasing the fsh and starting antagonist so I dont prematurely ovulate. Praying they start to grow a bit faster. These hormones make me so tired. All I wanna do is sleep. Next appointment on friday morning. Hoping for big eggs. If alls well will have egg retrieval at the end of next week.